My version of recovery (not from ana).

Since I've been cutting, its been really bad. I've been full out binging. I don't eat all day then I go right to candy and chips. I've also been sick so it doesn't help. After I finish my halloween candy I'm going right into training for my comp. Its on the 17th and I know our team will make it to provincials!! Lucky I didn't get much candy, its my weekness. I don't even really like chips so I doubt ill eat them. School is the biggest problem. Its easiest to buy chips or candy or cookies there because they're cheep. Once I get into training again I know ill stop the junk. Its just gonna take a bit to ajust. I don't actually eat much besides that. I'm still always hungry. I'm never home for supper. At most ill have cereal for breakfest, a sandwhich for lunch, snack on something small at dinner time, have a can of pop, and drink fat free milk besides that. So there's three things I'm trying to "recover" from / quit.
1) the junk food.
2) the cutting.
3) simoking.
I only have one smoke left in my pack. I don't even know if ill smoke it. I only smoke at school with my friends. They all go over so I go with them. I say I'm quitting, but I always cave. It makes me feel so sick too.. which doesn't help the flu I have.
The cutting has been terrible. Each time I go deeper. I almost needed stiches my last few times. Its getting ridiculious. I'm seeing the phyc. for my depression again, so I'm actually considering asking to be admited so I can recover better. I'm scared that if I stay alone ill do something ill regret. I only cave when I'm alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even tell anyone. Only my boyfriend knows, and he thinks I've stopped now. Last time I went to phys. I wouldn't admit I had a problem, even though I had stiches in my wrist and was on depression pills. I'm ready now. To me, its healthy when I'm only ana. Its not healthy to eat. So I'm trying to recover to only ana and nothing else. Wish me luck. Today is my first day without cutting, let's see how long I can last.

Happy halloween.

I love halloween. I always have! This year I've decided to do my costume as a zombie. I've got everything ready for school tomorrow. But guess what! The blood that's covering my arms and everything else? Yeah... that's not fake blood. So if anyone comments that it looks like ketchup or some shit ill probably slap them... self harm is easier to hide than you think.

And the fatass of the year award goes tooooooo, me..

I don't get it. I've loost weight but it feels like I have more fat now than before..... maybe my muscle is turning into fat.. either way I'm a fucking hippo. Not to mention how much blood I've lost from cutting, that's another pound itself! Like seriously.. I shoul just do everyone a favor and kill myself now.

Those emptyness feelings<3

So over the last few days I haven't been eating much- I haven't wanted food. Today at lunch I had a sandwhich. I had like three bites and then threw the rest away. My stomach is growling all the time but I feel full, its soooo weird, but I love the feeling<3

Well.. is it?

90210 girls♥

 

Do whatever the fuck you want because either way people are going to tell you it's the wrong choice.

You know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people. I'm sick of society. I'm sick of all the bullshit. You know what I'm sick of the most? I'm sick of hypocrisy. Yeah, we all do it but that doesn't mean we should. People tell you to be yourself and then they judge you for it. No matter what you do you'll always be in the wrong. Wearing short-shorts make you a slut. Doing good in school makes you a try-hard. Smoking makes you a rebel. Drinking makes you young and stupid. Being a teen mom means you've ruined your life and a disgrace. Being gay is a sin and you should be ashamed. Being overweight makes you fat and lazy but trying to lose weight makes you anorexic. Wearing makeup makes you fake but if you don't wear it you're ugly. If you're depressed you should tell someone but if you do you're an attention-seeker and dont know real pain. If you cry you're a woss but if you don't you're heartless. If you tell the truth you're a bitch but if you lie you're untrustworthy. If you're friends with people you don't like you're a backstabber but if you're not you're a drama-starter. If you don't agree with society's opinion of beauty you're an outcast but if you do you're vain. People ask you to voice your opinions but when you do you're wrong. I could go on and on about every comparison in the world but there's no point, every situation in life is like you're "damned if you do, damned if you don't" so you might as well just be youself and if someone doesn't like it get the hell over it!