Depressedtest.com Results

Breakfast

Only calories are banana , dried fruit, and crackers.. I can't even finish it all I am SOOOOO full!!!!!!

Cut here - - - -

Can you see the scar not even 1mm about the dotted line? Its faded so much since I had stiches there in Feburary.

Fingers crossed for a better life.

Well I've self harmed a lot, but starting to not anymore. I've been trying starving and purging. My doctor gave orders to eat healthy and vegeterian, as well as exercise. I had been up to my start weight from grade 7... 140 fucking pounds! I started crying! Back down to 134lbs tho atm.

The butterfly project.

Well, at least im not giving up..

So today I blew my third day being clean. Literally just now. I was extreamly upset this morning after getting in a fight with my love. I was bawling (which is extreamly rare, I hardly ever cry, even when I want to). I was too upset to even cut.. if I had I would have ended up with stiches. God knows how many attempted recoveries this is now... but I'm getting better! I was going sososososososososo deep and cutting everyday every time I got upset.. now I wait until I'm in a better mood, and IF my wilpower isn't strong enough I do cut. Light scratches, hardly anything compared to before. Enough to have an effect, but not enough to regret it after. I don't even want to cut anymore.. I haven't really felt the need to. Its like smoking - you don't want to, but you're addicted so sometimes temptation wins.

My version of recovery (not from ana).

Since I've been cutting, its been really bad. I've been full out binging. I don't eat all day then I go right to candy and chips. I've also been sick so it doesn't help. After I finish my halloween candy I'm going right into training for my comp. Its on the 17th and I know our team will make it to provincials!! Lucky I didn't get much candy, its my weekness. I don't even really like chips so I doubt ill eat them. School is the biggest problem. Its easiest to buy chips or candy or cookies there because they're cheep. Once I get into training again I know ill stop the junk. Its just gonna take a bit to ajust. I don't actually eat much besides that. I'm still always hungry. I'm never home for supper. At most ill have cereal for breakfest, a sandwhich for lunch, snack on something small at dinner time, have a can of pop, and drink fat free milk besides that. So there's three things I'm trying to "recover" from / quit.
1) the junk food.
2) the cutting.
3) simoking.
I only have one smoke left in my pack. I don't even know if ill smoke it. I only smoke at school with my friends. They all go over so I go with them. I say I'm quitting, but I always cave. It makes me feel so sick too.. which doesn't help the flu I have.
The cutting has been terrible. Each time I go deeper. I almost needed stiches my last few times. Its getting ridiculious. I'm seeing the phyc. for my depression again, so I'm actually considering asking to be admited so I can recover better. I'm scared that if I stay alone ill do something ill regret. I only cave when I'm alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even tell anyone. Only my boyfriend knows, and he thinks I've stopped now. Last time I went to phys. I wouldn't admit I had a problem, even though I had stiches in my wrist and was on depression pills. I'm ready now. To me, its healthy when I'm only ana. Its not healthy to eat. So I'm trying to recover to only ana and nothing else. Wish me luck. Today is my first day without cutting, let's see how long I can last.