Happy December.

Winter. Long sleeves, baggy clothes, hot tea.. Everything gets perfect<3

Depressedtest.com Results

Breakfast

Only calories are banana , dried fruit, and crackers.. I can't even finish it all I am SOOOOO full!!!!!!

Cut here - - - -

Can you see the scar not even 1mm about the dotted line? Its faded so much since I had stiches there in Feburary.

Fingers crossed for a better life.

Well I've self harmed a lot, but starting to not anymore. I've been trying starving and purging. My doctor gave orders to eat healthy and vegeterian, as well as exercise. I had been up to my start weight from grade 7... 140 fucking pounds! I started crying! Back down to 134lbs tho atm.

The butterfly project.

Well, at least im not giving up..

So today I blew my third day being clean. Literally just now. I was extreamly upset this morning after getting in a fight with my love. I was bawling (which is extreamly rare, I hardly ever cry, even when I want to). I was too upset to even cut.. if I had I would have ended up with stiches. God knows how many attempted recoveries this is now... but I'm getting better! I was going sososososososososo deep and cutting everyday every time I got upset.. now I wait until I'm in a better mood, and IF my wilpower isn't strong enough I do cut. Light scratches, hardly anything compared to before. Enough to have an effect, but not enough to regret it after. I don't even want to cut anymore.. I haven't really felt the need to. Its like smoking - you don't want to, but you're addicted so sometimes temptation wins.

My version of recovery (not from ana).

Since I've been cutting, its been really bad. I've been full out binging. I don't eat all day then I go right to candy and chips. I've also been sick so it doesn't help. After I finish my halloween candy I'm going right into training for my comp. Its on the 17th and I know our team will make it to provincials!! Lucky I didn't get much candy, its my weekness. I don't even really like chips so I doubt ill eat them. School is the biggest problem. Its easiest to buy chips or candy or cookies there because they're cheep. Once I get into training again I know ill stop the junk. Its just gonna take a bit to ajust. I don't actually eat much besides that. I'm still always hungry. I'm never home for supper. At most ill have cereal for breakfest, a sandwhich for lunch, snack on something small at dinner time, have a can of pop, and drink fat free milk besides that. So there's three things I'm trying to "recover" from / quit.
1) the junk food.
2) the cutting.
3) simoking.
I only have one smoke left in my pack. I don't even know if ill smoke it. I only smoke at school with my friends. They all go over so I go with them. I say I'm quitting, but I always cave. It makes me feel so sick too.. which doesn't help the flu I have.
The cutting has been terrible. Each time I go deeper. I almost needed stiches my last few times. Its getting ridiculious. I'm seeing the phyc. for my depression again, so I'm actually considering asking to be admited so I can recover better. I'm scared that if I stay alone ill do something ill regret. I only cave when I'm alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even tell anyone. Only my boyfriend knows, and he thinks I've stopped now. Last time I went to phys. I wouldn't admit I had a problem, even though I had stiches in my wrist and was on depression pills. I'm ready now. To me, its healthy when I'm only ana. Its not healthy to eat. So I'm trying to recover to only ana and nothing else. Wish me luck. Today is my first day without cutting, let's see how long I can last.

Happy halloween.

I love halloween. I always have! This year I've decided to do my costume as a zombie. I've got everything ready for school tomorrow. But guess what! The blood that's covering my arms and everything else? Yeah... that's not fake blood. So if anyone comments that it looks like ketchup or some shit ill probably slap them... self harm is easier to hide than you think.

And the fatass of the year award goes tooooooo, me..

I don't get it. I've loost weight but it feels like I have more fat now than before..... maybe my muscle is turning into fat.. either way I'm a fucking hippo. Not to mention how much blood I've lost from cutting, that's another pound itself! Like seriously.. I shoul just do everyone a favor and kill myself now.

Those emptyness feelings<3

So over the last few days I haven't been eating much- I haven't wanted food. Today at lunch I had a sandwhich. I had like three bites and then threw the rest away. My stomach is growling all the time but I feel full, its soooo weird, but I love the feeling<3

Well.. is it?

90210 girls♥

 

Do whatever the fuck you want because either way people are going to tell you it's the wrong choice.

You know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people. I'm sick of society. I'm sick of all the bullshit. You know what I'm sick of the most? I'm sick of hypocrisy. Yeah, we all do it but that doesn't mean we should. People tell you to be yourself and then they judge you for it. No matter what you do you'll always be in the wrong. Wearing short-shorts make you a slut. Doing good in school makes you a try-hard. Smoking makes you a rebel. Drinking makes you young and stupid. Being a teen mom means you've ruined your life and a disgrace. Being gay is a sin and you should be ashamed. Being overweight makes you fat and lazy but trying to lose weight makes you anorexic. Wearing makeup makes you fake but if you don't wear it you're ugly. If you're depressed you should tell someone but if you do you're an attention-seeker and dont know real pain. If you cry you're a woss but if you don't you're heartless. If you tell the truth you're a bitch but if you lie you're untrustworthy. If you're friends with people you don't like you're a backstabber but if you're not you're a drama-starter. If you don't agree with society's opinion of beauty you're an outcast but if you do you're vain. People ask you to voice your opinions but when you do you're wrong. I could go on and on about every comparison in the world but there's no point, every situation in life is like you're "damned if you do, damned if you don't" so you might as well just be youself and if someone doesn't like it get the hell over it!

Guilty about eating,

Yupp, I feel sooooooo guilty!!! I've eaten over my cal limits cause I was forced to get fast food for lunch, but I still feel empty! Like my stomach is growling and it shouldn't be! Is this a good thing I wonder??

Nightmares/Night Terrors, am I the only one?

Its said that night terrors occur more often when there is a mental disibility - depression, eating disorders, etc. I am almost positive that I've had them, espically around June of this year and throughout the summer. Id be bolting out of bed, not usually asleep for long, and be terrified.
My biggest problem, however, are my nightmares. I'm pretty sure I can even dream anymore. I have them so often that a lot of them don't even bother me anymore. But there's one particular one I've noticed reoccuring lately, basically I get a small injury/cut, I have to get dirt out or I pick at the scab, and suddenly the wound is opening, wider and wider, deeper and deeper, until I see the inside of my body, bones and all. The worst part is that I am completely aware what is going to happen, in the dream I'm telling myself to stop, but its like its out of my controll. Its disturbing and I really wish I knew how to stop them. I always wake up right when its getting really gory, but there's still the feelings of fear and mixed emotions.. I hate it! I don't even wanna go to sleep! it doesn't help that I never sleep well, and always wake up 684397436 times a night!!

Happy thanksgiving, too bad for the huge family dinner.

I love the holidays, the meals taste good, but no matter what you do you end up overeating and being fat. :/ either way, I guess today is the day to be thankful.. so I'm thankful I havnt been gaining weight, and for my family and friends.

Master cleanse / lemonaide

http://themastercleanse.org/the-lemonade-diet/
This is the link I've found to the best info on this "diet". The website is devoted to the master cleanse. I don't know any suscessful, thin, cronic dieter that doesn't go through this. Its basically a must to be thin!
http://lifetrainingonline.com/blog/lemonade-diet-recipe.htm
Is also a good website!

I can barely get through the day..

My life is really shitty right now.... every time I start to lose weight I end up gaining back half of it, I'm not doing the best in school, I feel like a complete failure in life, whenever I go to practice I feel fat and slow and I can never run as fast as everyone else, my group of friends had a huge fight so I spend a lot of my time alone now, my very best friend who is like a sister is always working on projects so I never see her, after my major summer heartbreak I can't even look at guys now, I got my very first "good morning beautiful" text, and the guy lives three hours away and has a girlfriend, everything is going wrong and it feels like people and trying to make my life bad... I have no motivation for anything anymore... I've even started cutting again, not too bad.. but self harm is self harm.. no matter how little. My life is basically the same as it was this time last year, except now I'm fatter. I can't go through this again but I don't know what to do. Self harming is something I said id never do again... I was already in the hospital for it once. Most nights I just cry myself to sleep and hope tomrrow will be better.. but it never is. Its like a butterfly effect - once one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong.....

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay than it's not the end. - Paolo Coelho

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time.
A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mum this. Your mum goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it.
Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name.
Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mummy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.”
Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mum, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry.
Your mum crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves.
Your teachers think they were too hard on you.
Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you.
That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are.
Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school.
Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out.
It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot.
Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him.
Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days.
It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counsellor therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now.
That boy that used to tease you cuts himself.
Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love any more and just sleeps around with girls.
Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide.
Your parents? Their marriage fell apart.
Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death.
Your mum got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day.
People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone.
Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are.
Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you.

Repeating my old diet plan!

I've decided that the best way to eat little calories is to revert back to my "fool proof diet and exercise plan" ( http://teenage-ana.blogspot.ca/2012/02/fool-proof-diet-exercise-plan.html?m=1 ) with a few little tweeks. Did anyone else use this? If you did let me know how it ended! It worked for meee :)

Thinspo : Caitlin Upton

she might not be all bones, but she IS perfect!

 

Well I can only go down from here!

doing sooo good! I'm a lot more in controll now than I was before. The only time I really eat is when I have to (with friends for sleepovers, outings with school/groups, etc.) Unfortunately, then it's usually junk food to eat... but I'm still doing good! I was up to 140lbs, and now I'm 131lbs. It's not as fast as I wanted to lose weight.. but I haven't been gaining at all. I just can't wait to get rid of all this fat.
My throat still kills from purging the other day.. if anyone has tips to avoid that PLEASE share! It seriously kills. I had takeout for lunch and was the bathroom for 30mins getting it all up.
Also, if anyone wants an Ana/Mia buddy do comment on here :)

thinspo pictures anyone?

New ideal long term goal

So I've come to the conclusion that I am a fat failure at life ( no surprise there). My goals have changed from short term to a six month time period. I have to be at LEAST 100lbs by Christmas day. Im positive I can do it, but there are doubts.

Purging tips and tricks

I found the following on this site ( http://missanamia.wordpress.com/tips-pro-mia/ ) after my most recent binge. I must say, it works really well especially standing up and bending over. Help yourself to these tips/tricks! :)

1. when purging. stick your finger as far down as you can and keep them their until you can’t anymore. this will be hard the first few times but it’ll get easier after time. if your having trouble with 2 fingers, use 3 fingers, it works really well.

- stand up, dont go on your knees because once it gets up if your bent over standing the gravity just pulls it out, chug 3 glasses of water right before, push on your stomach with what ever hand isnt down your throat, when you feel something start coming keep your fingers down your troat until literaly the vomit is so much it forces your hand out of your mouth.

2. RECOMMENDED FOODS TO EAT:

(eat liquidy type foods that come up easily)

ice cream, soup, milkshakes, frozen yogurt, yogurt, juices, bananas, other soft fruits, well-cooked soft vegetables and oatmeal.

-NOT RECOMMENDED FOODS TO EAT:

~anything spicy, apples, chocolate, meat, and bread

~anything swallowed in chunks: potato, rice, cooked grains, anything with small sharp pieces like popcorn or chips, nuts, raw crunchy veggies, and salad.

3. weigh yourself before purging and after purging to make sure you got rid of everything. this is a pro-ana/mia trick.

4. if you plan on eating and purging, don’t eat chips or meat, avoid spicy foods and chocolate. Chocolate tastes nasty coming up, and spicy foods can burn your nose. These can hurt to purge.

5. don’t go brush your teeth immediately after purging, wait to brush your teeth. brushing right away can help the stomach acid decay your teeth. gargle water or mouth wash. then after an hour brush. use a mouthwash or toothpaste that has an enamel protector in it.

6. using the end of a toothbrush can be good for stimulating a gag reflex to prevent your hands being damaged from stomach acid, but it takes longer and can often hurt. but many bulimics use this method.

7. splash your face with cold water after purging to help reduce redness and teary eyes. always keep Q-tips in your bag to clean up any eye make-up that runs while purging. not to mention a little cover up and some blush to retouch up if you are a public purger.

8. always gargle water after purging. the stomach acid can build up in your salivary glands and make your face swollen (this is a criteria in diagnosing bulimia that psychologists and doctors look for) this is why so many bulimic’s have the chubby cheek look.

Purging and Keeping it Secret:

1. be discreet and as quiet as possible

2. play music in the bathroom or keep a faucet running.

3. say you are going to take a shower, turn the water on, and purge.

4. when inducing a purge, don’t take your fingers/instrument out the first time you gag, this can make it harder to bring your food back up.

5. if people ask why your eyes are red, say you got something in your eye, or allergies.

6. place toilet paper in the toilet so the water and your vomit don’t splash up and hit you. TIP: put the lid down before flushing. always check to make sure it is flushed all the way down.

7. when you leave the bathroom, try to compose yourself before entering the room.

8. don’t immediately run to the bathroom unless you’re alone. wait 15-20 minutes to purge when around people. some say that if you wait more than an hour, your body will have already absorbed most of the calories.

9. wash your hands! stomach acid can ruin your hands and nails (another feature psychologists are supposed to look for according to the DSM IV)

NOTE: I highly recommend you stick to the Ana life style because purging can be dangerous. Especially effecting your teeth.

Trying new pills...

So I went to Walmart intending to buy a jumbo bottle of ten dollar pills my Ana friend uses and they work really well. Apparently my local store is the only one that doesn't carry them so I have to wait another month until my next trip to look. What my store did have was there green-tea pills for $7.97 I took two lat night before eating a cookie ( I know, I'm weak and pathetic). I've been starving ever since! They majorly speed your system up! They're mostly natural too I think. The down side is that they'll only lat 15days... And that's if I only take two a day intend of the recommended 3-4 :/

Jello diet.

Recently I've been extremely hungry wanting food. We always have low-calorie jello in the house. It's the perfect snack because 1) it fills you up 2) it is only 5 or 10 calories a serving and 3) you won't put on any weight from it because it's basically water with flavoring added to it. So what I do is make 3 or 4 packs at a time and just eat it whenever I get a food craving. It also makes people think you're eating a lot so they won't be on your back forcing you to eat food that actually has calories! :)

No more vacation!

Ugh back up to 130 ... -.- good thing I'm going home today, I cants Handel anymore takeout/junk food!

Traveling

It's almost impossible to be on a diet when youre traveling... I hate it!

Actually working! (:

Been on a 500 calorie diet this week, lost a pound after only one day. It's so much easier to count them now that ive downloaded a calorie counter app :)

fml fml fml fml ..

my scale is broken so I don't even know my weight, I'm sooooo fat, my trip is in seven days, and my mom is with me at every single fucking meal. WHY is this so hard?! I mean, sinny girls have it so easy! They can eat until they're sick but still don't gain any weight. It's definetly not fair!

goal reached?!?!?!?!

This is what I saw when I got on the scale this morning:

120.0lbs

YAY!!!!!!!!
 But then I realised, my scale isn't accurate because it's old. Sometimes  it gives me the wrong reading. If it's the sam in a few days than I've past my goal my trip in two weeks, YAAAAAY!
:D

Oh how lovely

headaches, gross nails, hair thinning.... all prices you have to pay to be perfect. Oh well, no pain no gain! I've had to refill my diet pills again... it comes with some dieting bars, they're supper low on calories and help you burn fat! Still counting down to perfection<3

Veggiehead? ohhhh yeah!

So I told everyone I'm a vegetarian now - Best. Excuse. Ever. My family and friends eat a lot of meat, so nobody questions when I'm not eating very much! Yesterday I was 130lbs and today I'm 125lbs ... three words; laxatives, diet pills, & hiking ! A friend suggested it to me. There's a lot of trails around where I live & it burns soooo much! Laxatives save me sooo much because I always get binging out of controll on random things. Yesterday I took so many, nothing I ate stayed in my body!
It feels SOOOOO good to be empty! (:

Skinny Girl - Day 6 (Last Day)

Ugggggg, I haven't been able to follow skinny girl. I'm up another pound so I'm just giving up. I'm fasting all tomorrow then finding a new diet that suits me... maybe an all fruits and veggie diet. I also need to get more laxatives, they're the only thing keeping most of my weight off.

Skinny Girl - Day 4

Total binge yesterday :$ Well, not to people who don't diet. I had, like, half a box of crackers that were 9 calories EACH and took double the daily limit of laxatives afterwards!!! But I've managed to lose more weight! so far so good !!! :D

Skinny Girl - Day 2

Okay, so yesterday I started the skinny girl diet (previous post). I was so happy I never went over my calories and ate healthy - except for some cheese covered potatos :$
Today's morning weight was 126lbs, which means I've lost four pounds since yesterday! It's a good thing because I keep forgetting to take my dieting pills & the laxitives aren't working... I know the scale says I'm losing weight and I should be happy, but it's not showing.. I still look like this:

It's SOOO gross! I mean, I can't wait to be thin and perfect, to have my hip bones hold up my size 0 pants:

I've just got to keep my mind on the goal and stay focused by asking myself:                                       

& hope that someday it'll all be worth it.                                                                                                 

A flat stomach is good but a concave stomach is perfect.